


Why doesn't he love me?

by Guessimaclotpole



Category: Merlin (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern with Magic, Angst, Denial, Feels, Fit!Merlin, Loss, M/M, Masturbation, Merlin AU, Merlin loves himself, Minor Character Death, Post-Magic Reveal, Rejection, Romance, Romantic!Arthur, Self-Indulgent, Sexual Identity, angry!merlin, hurt!Arthur
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-08-13
Updated: 2018-11-02
Packaged: 2019-06-27 00:00:41
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 10
Words: 8,188
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15673923
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Guessimaclotpole/pseuds/Guessimaclotpole
Summary: Modern Day Merlin AU:When Arthur returns from Avalon, Merlin has the task of revealing Arthur's past to him and ensuring he can cope with modern life.The trouble is, Merlin never wanted him to return.OrArthur returns to find his servant a completely different man, and he does what he can to regain that bond that they once shared.





	1. Risen

**Author's Note:**

> I have left this piece idle for sometime.  
> I have changed the course of this story and I thoroughly hope to finish it at some point.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Arthur's POV

He could feel.

He had a vague recollection of being able to feel once before. He was surrounded by warmth, his limbs floating delicately around him. He wondered why he couldn’t smell anything… But _of course_ he couldn’t. He couldn’t even breathe, he’d been dead. Yes, now he could remember. The gentle and warm hands caressing his face, holding him. Even though it had caused him so much pain to do so, he had held Arthur until the very end.  
He could still feel Merlin’s falling tears on his face.

There was light. He could feel colour. Arthur could feel a slight pressure below his back. An energy, pushing him up to… to where?

He inhaled. In hindsight, probably a mistake. His mouth and lungs filled with water and suddenly his body was lurched from it’s home. He was cold, shaking. He could feel every single hair on his body stand on end and he spluttered to rid his lungs of the intrusive water which burned as it found it’s way out of his nose and down is chin.

He could feel himself falling forwards, face about to hit the water. All instinct told him to swim but he just couldn’t move his arms. It was as though they were frozen.

This was it. He had died and had been brought back to remember his servant, his magical friend who had spent every waking hour protecting Camelot. Protecting Arthur.

“I’ve got you!”

Oh yes, there he was. His servant would have died too no doubt. After all, he needed Arthur too. They were two sides of the same coin. Arthur had let him down, but Merlin was still here to welcome him to the afterlife. A pair of hands gently turned Arthur round so he was on his back, and one hand lay under his head.

“Open your eyes, I’ve got you.” Merlin said. Arthur could hear the raw emotion in his voice, he could feel Merlin’s body shaking beside him. They were moving. Arthur was gliding along the water, Merlin alongside him. He found a voice within himself, he couldn’t have Merlin upset.

“Merlin…”

It was barely a croak, but it was enough to make Merlin cry – and even though his eyes weren’t open, Arthur could tell that Merlin was smiling through his tears.

..

Arthur felt himself become heavy. He was lowered onto something warm and swaddled inside of it.

“Arthur, you’re going to have to help me a little here. On three I’m going to lift you. I need you to try and stand. Can you do that for me?”

The counting started before Arthur could think of an answer.

“Okay, One… Two… Three!”

He tried- he really did, but he couldn’t feel his legs. Instead, he fell forwards and was caught just before he reached the ground – his body jolting to a quick halt.

“Okay Arthur, I’m going to have to use magic to get you out of here okay? Are you okay with me using my magic Arthur?”

Arthur managed a laugh. Quiet, but audible enough for Merlin to respond with the same noise.

“You mean... You used it behind by back… for years.” He was interrupted by a sudden urge to cough and the burning sensation had returned in the back of his throat. He felt some water trickle out of the side of his mouth. He continued “and now you’re asking permission?”

Merlin seemed quite annoyed by this remark but he let out a little chuckle nonetheless.

“Arthur, I need an answer” he said, his voice urgent, gentle and amused at the same time.

“Do what you need to do, Merlin”

Arthur could feel himself slipping into a sleep. He knew now that he wasn’t dead, but he felt quite indifferent to everything else. He had Merlin, that was all he needed for now.

He was lowered onto a soft, warm surface which moved gently underneath him. There was a sort of growling, rumbling noise and mixed with the bumpy feeling – he was soothed gently to sleep.


	2. The Sleeping King

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Merlin's POV

Arthur hadn’t changed, not in the slightest. Merlin had known that today would be the day he returned. It had turned just turned one o’clock and he was about to head to sleep – but then he _knew._

He doesn’t know how or why but none of that mattered now. He contemplated Arthur, asleep in the guest bed. He lay on the left side of the bed, one arm under his pillow and the other under the duvet somewhere. He had still been swaddled in the towels when Merlin had ‘carried’ him in from the car (if you can call making the once King of Camelot float horizontally through the air, carrying) and Merlin didn’t have the heart to unwrap him.

He looked dry now, and he’d been stirring for the past half an hour or so. Merlin wasn’t sure what to say when Arthur woke up. He’d had the spell ready to get him up to date for years now, but he didn’t want to use it too suddenly. He had to make sure he told Arthur the important bits properly first. The death of his friends and his wife… of Camelot.

It had been centuries, and to be quite honest Merlin never expected Arthur’s return. After living through the wars and the illnesses with no return of Arthur – it just seemed as though he’d gone…  
Yet here he was.

Merlin was used to not having Arthur here, and honestly, he quite liked being alone. He owned a chain of shabby little bookstores across the country. They didn’t bring him any money- but he’d never needed money anyway. He did it to try and keep himself busy.

He’d forgot what it was like to see someone so relaxed. After all, he’d never had any friends since Arthur’s death. The loss of Arthur had torn apart Merlin’s heart and soul. He couldn’t look anyone in the eye again. He saw Gaius one last time to collect some of his personal belongings, before he peacefully died in his sleep not a month later. Merlin attended his funeral and left before anyone could speak to him. Kilgharrah had been the next to leave the Earth. Merlin had tried desperately to save him, but the dragon merely chuckled at him and wished him farewell.

 A few years after that came the fall of Camelot. Merlin had done everything in his power to prevent this from happening but the kingdoms were too conflicted over magic. The druids had teamed up with Camelot in the fight for magic, but they were outnumbered. The knights had all fallen during the battle and Gwen and Gwaine, married a few years after Arthur’s untimely death, were publicly executed.

All Merlin had left was Aithusa, and she died very young. She had never developed right after being imprisoned with Morgana, and Merlin knew she had been suffering. He lay with her in the flowerbeds by the lake of Avalon and fed her fresh meat when he caught it. She passed with her head nestled in Merlin’s neck. He buried her by hand by the lake, pausing frequently when the crying became too much for him.

It was strange to think of all this now. Now that Merlin felt so separate from that life, as though none of it was real.

But it was real – _he_ was real. And he was lying asleep in Merlin’s apartment, his face gentle and restless. His blue eyes opening for the first time since they closed in Merlin’s arms after giving his thanks.


	3. Magical Light

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Arthur's POV

Arthur’s eyes were stinging like they had never done before. Obviously he had been dead so he’d probably had them shut for at least a good few years. He managed to use what little strength he had to prop himself up slightly as the blinding light started allowing room for forming shapes. He was in a room with four walls –no, three walls and a long white curtain. He looked down and saw a black bedding beneath him. Every smelled strangely clean here and there was a very faint sound of rumbling. It took him a minute or so to realise that Merlin was perched on the floor opposite Arthur’s bed, his knees drawn to his chest – a pair of large thick black glasses perched on his nose.

He’d never seen his servant look like this – his hair had grown longer and wild and stood in a black mess atop his head and his piercing blue eyes glared at Arthur with curiosity and... was that sadness?

Arthur turned to see a clear glass goblet of water beside him and he pointed at it with a questioning glance at Merlin. His servant nodded once and Arthur shakingly picked up the goblet – cold and wet in his hands.

He never realised the extent of his thirst until the first mouthful slipped down his throat. It was liquid relief, filling him up and making his muscles twitch to life.

“Merlin… what have you done with my chambers?” Arthur was pleased to learn that his speech was clear – with the assistance of the water no doubt.

Merlin’s eyes flickered with what looked like guilt for a moment, and he Arthur watched as his servant’s hand lifted to play across his facial hair. _Merlin with facial hair?_ Arthur had to admit, it suited him. Merlin looked like a man – not just by his physical appearance, but by his face. He looked like a man who had seen more than most see in a life time.

He had old eyes...

“I’m going to get you a warm drink, and then we can talk.”

Merlin stood without another glance at Arthur and left the room – closing the rectangular white door behind him. Arthur looked to the counter next to his empty glass and noticed that there was a peculiar object there. It was silver and grey, and light was being emitted from under the grey cylinder. He looked at it for a while – it was obviously a magical object that Merlin had enchanted. Arthur couldn’t help but look at it with wonder. His opinion of magic had never been the same as his father’s and it was magic like this that made him feel warm inside. That had made him envious of those able to conjure it and master it.

Some time later, the door re-opened and Arthur turned to face Merlin who was carrying a tray with two oddly shaped grey dishes. Merlin placed the tray on a surface at the foot of the bed and carried one of those dishes to Arthur.

“It’s hot, be careful. And don’t question it either – just drink it, you’ll like it.”

Arthur looked down at the steaming creamy liquid and inhaled the strong sweet scent of it. He looked again at the magical light, noting that Merlin was still watching him with a guarded stare of curiosity.

“Arthur, if you look at that for too long you’re going to go blind. Drink your coffee.”


	4. The Past

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Merlin's POV

Merlin watched as Arthur looked down at his coffee, he lifted the drink cautiously up to his lips and slurped a little. He looked up at Merlin with a little smirk on his face, before taking another, bigger sip and placing the cup on the side next to the lamp.

“You’re right, I do like it. How come you’ve never made me this before?” he asked, a naivety to his voice. Something that had struck Merlin as being extremely odd was that Arthur hadn’t complained once since waking up. He hadn’t said very much at all, and he hadn’t even ordered Merlin to do anything.

As he walked back to his spot on the floor opposite the bed, Merlin watched as Arthur played with his hands, his eyes revealing that he was in deep thought. Merlin thought it best to tell Arthur as much as he could as soon as he could. He couldn’t keep anything from him again, not after seeing the hurt in his face after Merlin’s betrayal the last time.

He didn’t want to think about it too much – he was just going to say it. He didn’t want to think about hurting Arthur and he just prayed that he wouldn’t have to go into too much detail. He wasn’t sure if he’d be able to take it.

“Arthur…”

Arthur’s eyes met Merlin’s and for a second he hesitated. _Just get to the point, Merlin. Just say it_. He looked away from Arthur’s face, choosing to talk down into his hands instead.

“The year is 2018. You’ve been dead for hundreds of years.” He paused for a second, to be sure Arthur wouldn’t interrupt.

He didn’t.

“We used to have different kingdoms.. Camelot, Mercia… None of it exists anymore. We live in a country called England, which is made up of lots of united cities. The whole country is ran by a government, and we have a Queen.

In the time that you have been dead, the country has been through hell. There have been wars, disasters, attacks… I thought you might have returned for one of those but you didn’t. There have been new discoveries.. new inventions. We have electricity, which gives us light and warmth and we can travel over the sea to other countries. We have devices no bigger than your cup of coffee that can store millions of books, pictures and music, and we can have real time conversations with people who are miles away from us.

Everything has changed while you’ve been… gone.”

Merlin realised he had probably said far too much and that he’d likely just confused Arthur. He didn’t look up to Arthur’s face and there was a moment of quiet before the once King of Camelot spoke.

“And what of my friends? Of Gwen? I understand they won’t be here now. They lived good lives?”

Merlin wasn’t expecting this question so quickly, but he wasn’t entirely surprised either. Arthur had always been a loyal friend and husband – so of course he’d ask.

Merlin cast a daring glace at him – only to find Arthur’s face quite open. He didn’t appear upset, or even scared. If anything, there was a slight crease between his eyes and Merlin figured that he was trying to brace himself for what was about to be said to him.

Merlin was careful with his words this time – he didn’t want to be bearer of bad news, especially when he was so indifferent to it all now. His friends hadn’t crossed his mind in a few decades, and it had been centuries since he was compelled to feel strongly about what had happened to them. Even now, Arthur felt like an unwelcome stranger in Merlin’s life. After spending centuries crying at the lakeside for his best friend to return, he learned to become immune to Arthur. He wasn’t any more to Merlin now than what anyone else was.

Merlin pulled his gaze away from Arthur’s again, this time choosing to stare at the ottoman at the foot of the bed.

“Gwaine almost died the same day as you did. He was tortured by Morgana but Percival got him to Gaius quick enough. You might remember me killing Morgana, actually. Gaius died a few weeks after you did. They said he went peacefully in his sleep, and that he hadn’t been sick. I was assured that he received a hero’s burial. After Gaius had told Gwen how I tried to save you, she legalised magic so long as it was practiced for good. Camelot was strong for a few year but the kingdoms came to a disagreement over Gwen’s choice and Camelot fell. They were hugely outnumbered and there was nothing I could do. The knights, and most Camelot’s citizens were killed.”

Merlin stopped himself before he spoke of Gwen and Gwaine. He would let Arthur process this first. It was a lot to take in. Especially from someone whose sole purpose in life had been the protection of the King, and of Camelot. Merlin really was a disappointment.


	5. Grief

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Arthur's POV

Arthur closed his eyes for a moment. He felt like he was having an out-of-body experience. How could he not have realised that he’d been dead so long? But centuries… It seemed impossible. He had no one left. He had no family, no friends.. everyone he’d ever known had gone.

Everyone except Merlin.

But Merlin was unlike himself. It worried Arthur that there was no tone of emotion in his servants voice – no look of sorrow, no tears or held back sobs. How could Merlin be so… so cold?

He opened his eyes. Merlin hadn’t moved at all. He was still staring at the foot of the bed as though it would kill him if he dared look away.

Arthur’s voice came out harsher than intended.

“Look at me.”

Merlin slowly raised his gaze and locked eyes with Arthur, his face unchanging. How could a man, so empty of emotion, be so beautiful? Arthur immediately regretted the toe he took with Merlin, but it was still a concern that Merlin seemed so carefree.

“Were you there?”

No answer. Merlin looked as though he was choosing his words carefully. Arthur couldn’t help it, he was becoming impatient.

“Were you _there,_ Merlin? ANSWER ME!”

“No” Merlin’s answer was immediate and stern. He mirrored Arthur’s aggression in his tone of voice, but not in his expression. Now, however, Merlin’s eyes had fallen slightly. Arthur couldn’t believe it – he wouldn’t. The most faithful servant and friend he had ever had. The most caring, loyal and selfless person he had ever known… and he never stayed for his friends’ final moments.

“Not even for Gaius?” Arthur said, a painful rasp to his voice.

This was the first time Merlin had displayed any emotion, and he didn’t do it by half. The magical light next to Arthur began to flicker as Merlin’s face reddened and Arthur noticed the veins in Merlin’s neck penetrating his skin from the inside. He began to shake, all the while keeping his yellowed eyes locked with Arthurs.

“Merlin, I didn’t mean-”

“YOU HAVE NO IDEA! I WAS BORN ONLY TO PROTECT YOU, TO PROTECT CAMELOT. DO YOU NOT THINK THAT I AM ASHAMED? HOW CAN YOU POSSIBLY THINK THAT I COULD EVER STEP FOOT BACK INSIDE THAT CASTLE AFTER I LET YOU DIE? HOW COULD YOU THINK I COULD LOOK ANYONE IN THE EYE AGAIN?

NO! I WASN’T THERE FOR GAIUS’ DEATH BECAUSE FOR ALL THE MAGIC I HAVE, I AM NOT PSYCHIC. DO YOU THINK I COULD HAVE FACED HIS FUNERAL AFTER NOT BEING ABLE TO SAVE HIM EITHER?!”

Merlin had stopped shouting only because he appeared to run out of air, and Arthur sat watching him, completely horrified. Merlin had _never_ been so angry, and Arthur was possessed by an overwhelming wave of guilt that brought him to his feet on the cold floor and he ran to Merlin and dropped to his knees next to him. He brought his hands up to Merlin’s cheeks and made to speak but was thrown back onto the bed by an invisible force so strong it winded him.

Merlin’s voice came out in low, raspy growls, full of nothing other tha hatred.

“Don’t you _dare_ fucking touch me again.”

And with that, Merlin hurriedly left the room, slamming the door behind him. Arthur heard numerous crashes and bangs outside the room but thought better than to leave his bed again. He rolled onto his side, facing away from the magical light and as much as he fought it, his breath quivered and then hitched in his throat. A tear made its way down his face, and many more followed. It wasn’t until he audibly sobbed into his pillow that the violent noises in the room next door stopped. He lay this way for a long time, weeping into his pillow, gasping until his throat was burning again – and when he had finally ran out of tears he fell into a sleep.


	6. Aggressive Stimulation

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Merlin's POV

Merlin stood with his head pinned to his bedroom door, his right hand in a fist next to his head. He had lost track of how long he’s stayed there.

As much as he tried to remind himself that this wasn’t Arthur’s fault, he couldn’t help but be so angry. Arthur had let him down by making him wait so long, and by making him face so much on his own. It hadn’t taken much for Merlin to be flooded with emotion… with hatred and sadness caused by longing and grief.

A single tear made its way over his right cheek, and upon realising it was there Merlin let out a final scream; pushing himself backwards with his fists and plunging his right foot through the bottom of the black door. He hadn’t noticed he was shaking until now – or that the entire surface of both hands were covered in blood from his split knuckles.

Tired. That’s what he was. Not sleepy, but tired. Merlin hadn’t known motivation, happiness, enthusiasm or even just mild contentedness in centuries. He was merely existing, living his days by the same dreary routine. That was the way he was used to and the way he wanted it to stay.

It was easier to distance himself that way.

He turned his back to his broken door and looked at his room. It was four times the size of the guest room. The walls painted with deep blues and blacks, with dark wooden furnishings. Like the guest room, one wall of the room was made up entirely of a window that overlooked the River Thames and a pretty night time view of the city surrounding it. Merlin stepped over the broken furnishings on his floor and stepped through what was the glass door before he had thrown a metal ornament through it a few hours ago. He let the chilly, late autumn breeze ruffle through his hair and focused on feeling the goosebumps rise all over his body under the light, icy rain. He was still shaking, the cold fuelling his anger.

He noted for the first time, that he was still wearing the same suit he had worn 26 hours ago when he pulled Arthur from the lake.

He should have left him there.

Enraged with himself, he ripped the navy tie from around his neck, throwing it carelessly onto the glossy black balcony floor. _How could he be so inconsiderate_ he thought as he turned back on himself, just to angrily kick the already creased tie. _To insinuate that I didn’t care for them.. that I wouldn’t have given my own life for them_ … He ripped open his now see-through, soaking wet shirt and teased a hand from his collar gently down his own chest, stopping at his ribs.

He looked down at himself, his body had changed a lot in the time since he had met Arthur. Of course he hadn’t aged, but he went to the gym in his spare time and had let himself appreciate his appearance now. His fingertips tickled the skin over his abs, their definition undeniable… irresistible. _If I had been like this back then, I could have over-powered him in a heartbeat. I could have told him what I thought of him_. The pent-up rage inside of his stomach was just feeding his lust.

He undid his belt with magic, then used his steady hands too undo the buttons at his fly, his hand gently brushing against his erection as he did so. The navy suit trousers he wore were a tailored fit, so it required a bit of fumbling before they were around his ankles, his boxer shorts there with them.

He leaned forward, left hand on the balcony railing and gently touched the slit at the end of his penis. It had been a long time since he had done this. The rain fell gently against his crotch and the shock of the cold made his cock pulse. He stifled a moan as he bit into his lip and risked a glance at the other end of the balcony, where Arthur was sleeping behind the curtained window.

The thought of having the cause of all of his pain, his grief and his fury within his grasp was too much, and Merlin turned to face the city. His eyes lingered for a moment on the colourful city lights, before he allowed them to close and dropped his head. The rain was heavier now and he could feel the water streaming down his hair, travelling down his nose and over his lips before running off his chin and onto the balcony floor. The numbing cold and wetness of the rain only stimulated his senses further, and he roughly grabbed at the base of his shaft and began to pump his fist. His left hand, still gripping tight to the balcony, had started to turn white and the skin on his knuckles began to tear again… moaned at the pain and how it made his dick throb. He had no time to play around, he was moving his hand faster and faster until he was forcefully punching himself in the groin with every repeated movement. He was a mixture of wet and sticky and his skin glistened under the light of the moon. He knew how unbelievable he must look, and this only made him closer.

As he neared his breaking point he pushed himself onto his tiptoes, shifting most of his body weight to his left arm. He opened his eyes only to glace at his bicep through his tight, wet shirt and seeing the fabric strain under his strength was enough to push him over the edge.

The orgasm was earth-shattering and lasted for a small lifetime. It had been _centuries_ since he had done this, and it had never felt this good. He held his still-hard length in his hand, squeezing lightly as he painted the glass of the balcony with his come and he stayed there until he began to soften. He marvelled at the sheer amount of his spend that he had released and lifted his come-covered hand to his face. He playfully licked at his taste on his fingers and a shiver travelled from the back of his neck, down every vertebrae of his spine. He kicked his trousers from around his ankles and, with some effort, rolled his now soaking (to the point of unwearable) shirt from his arms. He walked naked back into his destroyed room, and with a glimmer of his eyes everything was back as it should be. He cast a backwards glance at his discarded clothes and his spend clinging onto the glass barrier.

A frown played across his face as he turned his back and fixed the shattered glass behind him.

That was the best orgasm he’d ever had, and although he knew that he thought mostly of himself, it worried him slightly that throughout the whole thing; he’d hoped Arthur had been watching through the curtain of his room.


	7. House in the Sky

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Arthur's POV

When he woke up, Arthur immediately registered that his eyes were stinging, and his throat was hoarse. He wasn’t sure how long he’d been asleep, but the light was filtering in through the long curtain at the edge of the room. He kicked the bed covers from his legs and noticed that he’d still been lying in the towel merlin had wrapped him in, and that he was completely naked. He had no clothes here.

He looked around the room, taking care to process his surroundings. The walls were white and bare. It gave the room an overall feeling on cleanliness. There was a black chest of drawers to the front left of the bed, and a large black wardrobe to his front right. Other than that, there was nothing but the unit beside him and the magical light – which was no longer turned on. He supposed it wasn’t needed during sunlight.

He put his feet down on the hard wood floor – expecting it to be cold but it wasn’t. He wrapped the bedsheet around his waist and walked over to the curtain. He’d better open it and let the light in. It would be nice to see how this… place… looked in the sun.

He pulled the edge of the curtain that had been slightly ruffled at the bottom corner, and saw a little black door handle which he pushed open. He hadn’t been paying attention and he regretting getting out of bed the minute he’d felt the cold air hit his bare chest.

He’d stepped out into an open space that was _in the sky_. He was actually floating. Well, not floating because he was on a solid black floor but he was surrounded by large buildings and he could see what could be the whole of this kingdom. His legs went weak as he looked over the edge of his safe area and he dropped the bedsheets and fell to the floor.

_Don’t be so stupid Arthur, you’ve never been scared of anything like this._

He tried to talk himself into standing but every time he looked through the glass in front of himself, a lump rose into his dry throat and he began to shake. The was a noise behind him and he instinctively span round and made to grab his sword, and of course he was grabbing at nothing because he was still naked and still unarmed.

All he’d wanted was some fresh air to clear his mind. To try and make sense of what Merlin had said when they’d spoke. He didn’t mean to upset him. He hadn’t meant to act like an idiot.

Arthur had been dead and Merlin was the one who lived through all the suffering. Arthur had been dead and now here he was on his knees naked in the sky with a tired looking Merlin staring down at him.

Arthur tugged the sheet over his crotch. He knew Merlin had dressed and bathed him plenty of times before, but things were different now, he could tell. Merlin was a changed man, he was still wonderful and magic, but he was a man that had seen too much. A man shaped by the pain he had suffered.

Arthur made himself a promise in that moment that he would take care of Merlin. Just as Merlin had to him all those centuries ago.


	8. Good Morning

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Merlin's POV

Merlin honestly thought he’d feel better after last night. Admittedly, there was less tension pumping through his body, but if anything- the knowledge that he willingly tossed himself off in the hopes Arthur would see had really bothered him. He hated this whole situation. He had even thought about taking Arthur back to the lake, but he was above being so self-piteous.

So, with his mind on whether or not he hated Arthur’s presence, he thought he’d nip out to retrieve his sodden clothes from the previous night. He opened the door and let the crisp winter air brush his naked skin before he stepped out. Of course, you can imagine his shock at seeing a fully naked Arthur sprawled on the floor, eyes wide and panicking.

He wasn’t entirely sure what to do and everything seemed to stand still for a moment. It wasn’t until he noticed Arthur’s startled gaze move downwards from Merlin’s eyes that he realised just what Arthur was looking at.

“Fuck- Arthur!” he sprang back, pulling the curtain from inside his room out over his crotch. “ _Why are you naked on the fucking floor?!”_ and before Arthur even had the chance to comprehend and answer, Merlin realised that the morning hadn’t been kind to his crotch and his throbbing erection was still quite visible. He fumbled with the curtain more so, gathering more of it at his groin to try and conceal what Arthur had been, and was still staring right at.

“ _Seriously_ Arthur! Stop looking at my dick!”

Arthur suddenly looked back up to Merlin’s eyes for a second, before looking down at his own body and panicking. He pulled the bedsheet over his lower half and turned the shade of pink that Merlin had only seen when he was at his most embarrassed.

“Well I’m naked too, _Mer_ lin! _You_ look away!”

This was ridiculous.

“Arthur, I used to dress you on a daily basis. Christ, I used to bathe you!” Merlin could feel the colour rising in his own cheeks. This whole situation wasn’t helping the stiffness under his hand and he still wanted to be angry at Arthur.

Arthur seemed to be grasping for words, his mouth desperately creating shapes as though he had forgotten how to speak.  Merlin looked away and sidled his bottom half back into the apartment, taking care to ensure the curtain kept him well hidden. He made a point of not looking at Arthur’s face.

“Arthur, go back inside to bed. And for Christ sake, don’t come back outside. In fact, don’t do anything without my supervision. I’ll bring you some clothes.”

He kept his head outside, watching Arthur scamper back into his room- still on his knees. As much as he didn’t want to, he couldn’t help but smirk. The Once and Future King, weak at the knees because of a fear of heights of all things.

He picked up his ruined clothes from the previous night and placed them in his bedroom bin before taking a quick shower and dressing. He found that he took care of himself well these days. He looked at his face in the en-suite mirror, analysing the shadow of facial hair and admiring how well-groomed it was. It definitely suited him.

In his bedroom, he sat at his dresser. He took care drying his hair and used his wax to ruffle it up a little. He always thought he looked sexier with messy hair. Not that he was trying to look sexy.

Of course he wasn’t.

He pulled on some torn black skinny jeans. He had a particular fondness for fitted clothes. With his still slender but muscular physique, he found that he pulled off most looks involving these types of clothes. He pulled a wine-red button-up shirt from the wardrobe next, taking care to roll up the sleeves so they reached just below the elbow. He looked in his door mirror before leaving to make coffees.

 _You’re not trying to impress anyone, stop mucking about_.

He sighed and left for the kitchen.


	9. First Hints of Modern Life

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Merlin's POV

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I realise this ends in a weird place but the next chapter will be Arthur's POV and will be a biggy for emotions!

Merlin headed into the kitchen to prepare some tea and some breakfast. He tossed some crumpets in the toaster and sat on the edge of his glossy black dining table. He had to stop thinking about not impressing Arthur and on getting him up to date. He still wasn’t fully aware of all that had happened yet, or of Gwen and Gwaine.

Yes, that is what he needed to tell him.

After smothering a good helping of Lurpak on each of the crumpets, and preparing two strong sweet cups of tea, Merlin headed to the guest room, stopping on his way to pick up the clothes he’d found for Arthur to wear.

He knocked on the guest room door.

“Come in, Merlin” Arthur replied. Merlin noted the unusual lack of enthusiasm or command in Arthur’s voice. He sounded tired. Merlin, hands full, opened the door with magic and made his way into the room. Arthur was in bed, the blanket pulled up to just below his chest. He had his head pressed back against the headboard and was facing the ceiling, eyes closed. Merlin softly placed the tray on Arthur’s lap so as to not startle him, and then took his own cup and sat down on the end of the bed.

For a few minutes, the two men sat that way. Merlin knew better than to try and think about Arthur’s thoughts. _Let him grieve_ , he told himself. He gently spoke, to remind Arthur of his presence.

“Arthur, your breakfast will go cold”

A moment passed, and Arthur opened his eyes and dropped his gaze to the tray of tea and crumpets on his lap. He picked up a crumpet in his right hand, flinching a little when a drop of melted butters ran down his thumb. He looked at the crumpet with a great deal of comprehension before taking a brave nibble. His face immediately lit up.

“Merlin, this is absolutely gorgeous! For something that looks and feels like it belongs in the bottom of a lake, it definitely makes up for it in taste!”

A smile briefly played on Merlin’s lips as he watched his once King revel in happiness in front of him. For a long, long time- this is what he missed. The joy on his face, the surety in his commandments, and just the way he simply was. The way he existed in Merlin’s every day life. This is what Merlin had loved and lost, longed for and cried for – what he’d broken himself for. And now that he had it back, he wasn’t sure that he wanted it.

He needed Arthur to know the rest of what happened. He couldn’t let him sit there in his bed, smiling like an idiot without knowing the whole truth. Merlin owed at least that much to him now.

Once Arthur had started on his last crumpet, Merlin figured it was better to get things started.

“Arthur, I have some clothes for you here. Once you’re dressed I want to show you something.” He said, wary of Arthur’s coming response.

“Fine, Merlin. Fill me a bath and then dress me. Then we can discuss what it is you’d like to show me”

A bath. Why hadn’t Merlin thought about this? How on _earth_ was he going to explain a bath.

“I’ll fill you a bath, no problem. But, Arthur, baths are a little different now. I won’t be able to bring it into the room. You’ll have to come with me once it is ready.”

 

.

 

Merlin was surprised at how well Arthur took to the idea of a modern bath. In fact, he spent the entire time shouting through the door to tell Merlin how wonderfully warm the water was, and how much he liked the smell of the liquid soap Merlin had told him to us. What he wasn’t fond of, was the idea of Merlin making him wash himself- but Merlin couldn’t possibly do that now. It was bad enough that he was now faced with dressing Arthur.

“Merlin, these undergarments aren’t doing much to keep me warm” Arthur said whist standing in a pair of Merlin’s boxer shorts. Merlin was doing all he could not to look too much into it.

King Arthur.

In Merlin’s boxer shorts.

“That’s kind of the idea Arthur, would you just stick your foot in these jeans please!”

He knew that these black skinny jeans were going to look ridiculous on Arthur, but he knew they’d fit. They had to. Merlin couldn’t have Arthur walking around the apartment naked any more. Definitely not.

Not like it affected him.

Of course not.

 

.

 

Once Arthur was dressed in his black skinny jeans and plaid blue and black top, Merlin escorted him back into the guest room to get to the task of discussing Gwen.

“So you mean to tell me that you can actually show me what happened in my head?” Arthur asked cautiously.

“Yes, but Arthur, I need you not to get angry this time. It will take a lot of my magical energy to show you this way, so I’ll only be able to do it the once so please try not to speak while I do it. Just try and watch and we can talk about it after.”

Arthur nodded and shuffled to the bed next to Merlin. Merlin didn’t want to notice the look of fear and anticipation in his deep blue eyes and the innocent look playing on his face. No matter what Arthur was expecting, it wouldn’t be this.

Merlin reached to place his hands on either side of Arthur’s forehead before he hesitated. He knew that this would be just as hard to watch as it would be for Arthur. Arthur didn’t have to witness it first hand.

But then Arthur’s hands were on his, and he gave Merlin a stern, yet wary not.

Then Merlin showed him.


	10. Guinevere

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> GUESS WHO'S GOT AN UPDATE.
> 
> No seriously guys, I have entered this fic to Merlin FTF and I am determined to finish it for y'all. I will also be going over past chapters and making changed at some point so please bare with me. I was going to abandon this but your comments have persuaded me to get this done!
> 
> Thank you all for your support.

Arthur’s eyes fell closed and he listened as Merlin chanted a series of magical words in front of him. He could feel the warmth of Merlin's hands under his own, and when he opened his eyes again, he stood by the Throne in his castle. 

Gwen quickly entered the room accompanied by Leon and Percival. Arthur tried to lift his legs, to run to the woman that he loved, but something kept him rooted to the spot. There was a gentle rub against his cheek which reminded him that this was just a memory. A snippet of the past. He was on his bed with Merlin, hundreds of years away from here. 

Gwen sat on the throne and Leon took her hand. “My lady, Gaius will be here any moment with news” he said, and the pale look on his face was shared by those in his company. 

They waited in silence until the doors at the end of the room opened and Gaius stepped inside.

Nothing needed to be said, for Gaius’ eyes were raw and his face appeared older than he had ever seen it. The old man approached the throne and bowed before Gwen. 

“Gaius, what news from Merlin?”

On hearing his name, Gaius’ eyes flickered and his jaw quivered. Arthur truly felt for the man for having to bear this news to the court. 

“My l-lady” he stammered out before taking a deep breathe, clearing his throat and scrunching his eyes shut. “Merlin has taken the King to Avalon, where he has ensured- he received a proper-” 

Gaius speech was interrupted by a heart wrenching sob that tore through his chest and immediately, Gwen leapt down to him and took him in her arms, her own tears sliding down her face. 

“He gave him a royal send off, all on his own. He- he said he doesn't want to come back because he can't face the reminder that he had failed. He thinks it's his fault and now I've lost the both of them. They're like sons to me- what will I do?”

Arthur felt his own tears stinging his eyes as he watched Gaius, the stern yet compassionate father figure he had known all his life, crumble in front of him. 

Gwen rubbed his back and shushed him, before saying her thanks and asking Percival to take him back to his Chambers. She watched them as the left, and when the doors closed behind them she just stared and stared, until she swayed slightly before falling to her knees. 

Leon immediately fell to her side to offer no words, because nothing that could be said was enough to ease a loss like this, but to offer his presence and as Arthur watched his wife sob and scream about losing everyone that had ever been dear to her - he was astounded when she finally cried out that she would legalise the practice of magic and end this darkness in people once and for all.

Arthur rubbed his eyes, desperate to stifle any more tears - and when he opened them again, he was greeted with a drastic change of scenery. He was still stood by the throne, yes. But this time there was no mistaking the wedding decorations around the room. He looked around in search for a familiar face. Gaius stood in at the front of the crowd - a mixture of nobles, peasants and druids. At the other side of the throne to Arthur stood Percival and Leon; both in their best armour and with the happiest of smiles. Arthur couldn’t see Gwen and the throne was empty - which meant only one thing. 

This was her wedding.

Arthur’s stomach dropped and he felt a fresh wave of tears rise to his eyes as Gwen made her way up the room and- and, her stomach was- she was-

She was pregnant.

Arthur couldn’t hold back the sob that ripped from his body. This was  _ his  _ wife and this should have been  _ his _ future. As Gwen approached the throne, Arthur watched - astounded- as Gwaine walked over from within the crowd of people to take Gwen’s hand. He knew all he needed to know. He didn’t want to know anything else.

“Enough” he said, his voice broken - and he pressed his eyes shut.

The unmistakable sound of battle surrounded him, and this time he stood atop a hill in the forest, looking over at his castle. His heart pounded in his chest at the sight of his kingdom in flames, and when he heard a familiar “ _ No! _ ” from behind him, he spun around to see Merlin -  _ his  _ Merlin- fall to his knees on the ground. 

He heard the distant sob of his friend which reminded him, again, that he wasn’t really here. And this time he scrunched his eyes together for Merlin’s sake. He had already had to watch Camelot fall once.

“Arthur” came Merlin’s voice- and Arthur couldn’t open his eyes. “I need to know for certain that you want to see everything of Gwen. Nothing I can say will prepare you for this and I do not want to cause you unnecessary pain. This will be horrific Arthur.”

Arthur pondered over this for a few minutes - but he was King of Camelot and husband to Queen Guinevere. She deserved this much, even in death.

“Show me” he whispered.

Merlin had been right, of course, for when he opened his eyes he found himself in the castle courtyard. Before him, a platform with a pile of logs for- for burning sorcerers. Had they planned to burn Merlin?

“Camelot is ours!” a voice called from the castle balcony. Arthur couldn’t see the face of the man. “This kingdom has been run by a woman who deems it appropriate to change the laws, and who doesn’t have any royal blood in her veins. She is but a slave!” The crowd around Arthur yelled in agreement and as he looked, he didn’t recognise a single face. Where were his people? Had they gotten out?

“So first, it is only right that she witnesses the punishment of her husband and Duke of Camelot, Sir Gwaine.”

Arthur watched as Gwen was marched naked, her hands bound, to the centre of the platform. Here, two men marched Gwaine’s body to another platform and pressed him down to his knees, his head against a small solid table. Arthur’s mouth went dry and he looked at Gwaine’s stern face. He hadn’t put up a single fight. 

As the executioner raised his axe, Arthur turned to face Gwen. Her face remained unchanging, strong as ever in the face of conflict. And when Gwaine’s voice shouted out his final words “For the love of Camelot!”, Arthur gasped watched as Gwen’s eyes lost all trace of humanity. 

She truly had lost everything.

And Arthur stood rooted to the spot, as Gwen was tied to the stake and asked if she had any final words. Arthur looked up at her and for a moment he swore their eyes met.  _ Impossible _ , he thought - and when she whispered “Long live the king” Arthur turned his back.

Merlin drew him from the memories just as her screams began, and all it took was for Arthur to look into those stormy blue eyes in front of him - and he felt at ease. It wouldn’t do to be upset by this now- now that it was so far in the past.

“Hey” said Merlin, still holding Arthur’s face “Are you okay?”

Arthur knew better than to lie. “No” he said matter-of-factly and he watched Merlin’s eyes flicker between each of his own. “But I have to be” he added, and Merlin nodded and let his hands drop back to the bed.

Arthur let out a sigh. He needed a distraction - a way to forget about what he had just seen, at least for now.

“Tell me about your life, Merlin. Not all of it- just as it is now.” He looked at the muscly, rugged man in front of him and wondered how Merlin had gotten where he was - what series of events led him to be here?

“Arthur” Merlin said, meeting his eyes once more. “I have another enchantment which will bring you up to date with history and economics and such - but it will have to wait until you and I are stronger. Then, I will tell you everything you’d like to know” 

As much as Arthur wanted to argue, he knew Merlin was right. Neither of them had much energy right now; and he wasn’t sure it was wise to let his body give in to more magic whilst he was in his current state of mind.

Instead, he thanked Merlin and asked for some time to himself to think.


End file.
